Dream Cast - The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I'm still on my Notre-Dame de Paris kick. I have been for years, but still am, too. How much time did I put into this Dream Cast? Way too much!

Like I stated for Wuthering Heights and Frankenstein, this Hunchback of Notre Dame/Notre-Dame de Paris dream production is definitely a miniseries, not a movie. It would be an accurate reflection of Victor Hugo's novel, and would therefore have a LOT of stuff, so two hours isn't going to work.

Most importantly: it has Jehan Frollo du Moulin!

Oui, Jehan, this is your moment!

Previously in Dream Cast:
The Tempest
Frankenstein
Wuthering Heights

Young Frollo - Timothee Chalamet & Young Chantefleurie - Olivia Cooke

Before Claude Frollo and Paquette "Chantefleurie" Guybertaut become hateful, preternaturally aged 36-year-olds, they're happy young single parents in wildly opposite social positions. Claude Frollo, an intensely focused and extraordinarily gifted student in Paris, ends up finding new meaning in life when he adopts his baby brother Jehan after their parents die of the plague. Meanwhile in nearby Reims, Chantefleurie, worn down by poverty and prostitution, is thrilled when she gives birth to a baby girl she names Agnes. Everything's great, cue "Dear Theodosia."

But the unthinkable strikes when baby Agnes is kidnapped and a deformed toddler left in her place. Chantefleurie's anguish is only compounded when she is erroneously told (due to 15th Century forensics) that the Gypsies responsible cooked and ate her baby. Chantefleurie's and Frollo's fates converge for the first time when he ends up adopting - on a Quasimodo Sunday - the toddler left in place of Agnes.

It helps that Chalamet is French and waifish, but what really sells him to me for young Claude is his excellence in subtly showing an active interior life. Frollo is quiet and reserved, but always thinking. Cooke, an expressive standout in Thoroughbreds, could bring Chantefleurie's elation and heartbreak to life.

Frollo - Zachary Quinto

Sixteen years later, Frollo isn't doing so great. Having literally run out of human knowledge to acquire, he has turned his studies to the dark arts and alchemy, and those pursuits are driving him insane. The public thinks he and Quasimodo are demons. Jehan has turned out to be an asshole. He has a sexual awakening, but isn't allowed to have sex. Furthermore, the printing press is growing in popularity, and he worries what effect this will have on architectural trends.

Basically, Frollo is pissed off all the time, looks pissed off all the time, and do you know who also looks pissed off all the time? Zachary Quinto! That's not a diss; I love his work (and I'm also cursed with RBF). This role would let Quinto scowl to his heart's content and then dive back into early-Heroes villainy. Plus, he would look fantastic in a cassock.

Quasimodo - Joshua Castille

Part of Quasimodo's identity that is often overlooked in adaptations is that he is deaf. His beloved bells of Notre-Dame have taken away his hearing (though he can still make out the largest bell). He and Frollo develop their own sign language, but Quasimodo remains mostly isolated from society. Broadway actor Joshua Castille, who has profound hearing loss, recently performed the part of Quasimodo in the Disney musical at Seattle's 5th Avenue Theatre using American Sign Language with a singer/interpreter. Videos of Castille performing are online (he's also been on Switched at Birth), and he's an expressive and engaging actor.

Of course, for physicality, Castille isn't quite there for what this role traditionally is. Quasimodo is supposed to be lumbering and unnaturally strong, able to toss people across the room when they annoy him. He could pose a serious threat, and even though the people mock him, they're afraid of him. Castille could maybe throw...a kitten? There's certainly no way we're going to believe he can pick up his foster brother Jehan by the feet and slam him so hard against the walls of Notre-Dame that his brain comes out (he can just push him, I guess). Also, Quasimodo is supposed to be ugly and Castille...is very much not. But that's what prosthetics and makeup are for!

Esmeralda - Kiersey Clemons

Race and Esmeralda is complicated and thorny. Adaptations generally cut out the Chantefleurie story, where Esmeralda is identified as Agnes from Reims, which is about 45 minutes away from Paris by train. Although she doesn't seem to actually be what we today call Roma (her father is not identified other than that he's a criminal), she "passes" with her black hair and tan skin, which is compared to those of people from Andalusia and Egypt. For adaptations that have to pare down runtime and/or want to avoid a problematic "Gypsy kidnappers" plot, it's easier to just say she's Roma and leave out the origin story.

I don't want to do that, but I would stick with a woman of color in this role. My pick would be radiant Kiersey Clemons. I saw her recently in cute, family-friendly indie Hearts Beat Loud. The role allows Clemons to show off her acting and musical chops, both of which are stellar.

With her buoyancy and singing voice, I'd love to see her as Esmeralda. In Hugo's novel, Esmeralda is street-smart and will totes pull a knife on you, but is also, heartbreakingly, a typical teenager. She wants to sing, dance, obsess over her crush, and do magic tricks with her pet goat. The idea of her as "sexy Gypsy temptress" is something the men around her project on her. Clemons could definitely show Esmeralda's vitality, charm, and tragedy.

Fleur-de-Lys - Bebe Cave

Fleur-de-Lys isn't an altogether sympathetic character. She's a noblewoman, Phoebus's fiancee, and jealous of Esmeralda. She makes fun of Esmeralda's clothes and does what she can to keep her and Phoebus apart. However, her feelings are understandable. Although born rich, as a woman, she's also born without any power of her own. She has no say in being given in marriage to a philandering douche, and she's trying to exercise as much damage control as she can.

I recently watched Tale of Tales, and was captivated by Bebe Cave, who plays Violet, a princess forced into marriage with a literal ogre. Cave's expressiveness and adaptability made her believable and endearing as naive princess, "final girl" victim, and rightful ruler. A lesser director and actor might have have portrayed Violet as a spoiled mean girl at the beginning of her story, but Matteo Garrone and Cave avoided that misogynistic cliche. Cave is the actress I'd want to explore and express Fleur-de-Lys's unenviable position.

Clopin Trouillefou - Taika Waititi

In Hugo's novel, Clopin is not the leader of the Gypsies, but the King of Thunes (beggars, vagabonds, criminals, etc). He rules the underworld gathered at the Court of Miracles as part of a triumvirate with the Duke of Egypt and Bohemia (Gypsies) and the Emperor of Galilee (Jews). Clopin is charismatic and "fun," but also a bit of a psychopath. He's more than ready to hang Gringoire (after toying with him) for the crime of accidentally wandering into the Court of Miracles. During the showdown between the underworld, the cops, and Quasimodo (the underworld mistakenly thinks Quasimodo is holding Esmeralda captive in Notre-Dame, and storms the cathedral), Clopin dies, but not before hacking off a bunch of limbs with a scythe.

Magnetic Taika Waititi would be a scene-stealer in this mercurial role.

Jehan Frollo - Owen Teague

Nineteen-year-old Owen Teague is best known for playing bully Patrick Hockstetter in 2017's It. In a departure from the novel and the 1990 miniseries, 2017 Patrick gets to be attractive and rock a killer 80s wardrobe. He dies quickly, but Teague's charisma makes an impact.

Sixteen-year-old Jehan is less sadistic than Patrick, but still a bully and major problem child. He mocks classmates, mooches money from brother/guardian Frollo, gets drunk, and visits prostitutes. Despite this, he's popular and hangs out with everyone from Phoebus to Clopin.

He can be a leader when he feels like it, organizing student raids on wine shops and fighting at the front of the underworld's attempt to free Esmeralda from Notre-Dame. His real aim there is revenge against both Claude, who has cut him off financially, and his hated foster brother Quasimodo. Unfortunately for Jehan, it doesn't go well, but he does go out in true Jehan fashion by singing defiantly in his final moments. I'd cast Teague and his sardonic grin as teen rebel Jehan.

Pierre Gringoire - John Mulaney & Phoebus - Liam Hemsworth

To be honest, I was pretty "meh" about casting either of these characters until I thought of John Mulaney as Gringoire. Then I was all for it!

Gringoire (loosely based on an actual historic figure) is an impoverished, up-and-coming poet and playwright for whom almost nothing goes right. The novel starts with his play about to be performed, but it gets held up for reasons behold his control, resulting in a furious crowd. When the production finally starts, the crowd's interest is quickly diverted by Clopin and his Flemish diplomat/hosier friend. Afterwards, he accidentally ends up in the Court of Miracles and is almost executed by Clopin. Esmeralda saves him by marrying him, but they don't have sex because she's not DTF. From then on, Gringoire has to perform in the Gypsies' acrobatic shows, balancing chairs on his head and whatnot.

The one thing that goes right for him: through his "marriage" with Esmeralda, he meets and falls in love with her little white goat, Djali. In the chaos and bloodshed of the ending, the two of them manage to escape. If you say you don't want to see John Mulaney heroically fleeing a scene of violence with a goat clutched in his arms, you are lying.

As for Phoebus, meh. All you need for Phoebus is a good-looking, halfway decent actor who can savor being a hot dick. Liam Hemsworth would be fine.

Chantefleurie/Sister Gudule - Charlotte Gainsbourg

After being told her baby was killed and cannibalized, Chantefleurie leaves Reims and becomes Sister Gudule: an anchoress living in a tiny, cold, barren cell in a public square in Paris. There she mourns her daughter and screams abuse at Gypsies (including, ironically, Esmeralda). When she and Esmeralda finally figure out they're mother and daughter thanks to matching baby shoes, their joy is short-lived. Esmeralda is arrested, and Gudule dies defending her.

It's a small role, but pretty much at 11 the whole time, and Gainsbourg would knock it out of the park.

1) Quasimodo, 2) Jehan Frollo, 3) Phoebus, 4) Fleur-de-Lys, 5) Chantefleurie/Sister Gudule, 6) Esmeralda, 7) Djali, 8) Pierre Gringoire, 9) Claude Frollo


Image info:

Header image: 
Zachary Quinto as a priest (I knew someone had to have put him in a collar sometime, and google Images delivered): this 2010 Funny or Die sketch.
Kiersey Clemons in Cannes: photo by George Pimentel
Joshua Castille: from the 5th Avenue Theatre production
John Mulaney: from John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City
Taika Waititi: his twitter

Jehan + character guide at bottom: illustration from 1844 edition

Timothee Chalamet: from Call Me By Your Name
Olivia Cooke: from Thoroughbreds
Zachary Quinto: from American Horror Story
Joshua Castille: promo pic for 5th Avenue Theatre by Mark Kitaoka
Kiersey Clemons: from Hearts Beat Loud
Bebe Cave: from Tale of Tales
Taiki Waititi: his Facebook profile
Owen Teague: from It
John Mulaney with dog: his twitter
Liam Hemsworth: IMDB headshot
Charlotte Gainsbourg: from Antichrist

The Hunchback Musicals: A Rambling Yet Incomplete Comparison

From the Paper Mill Playhouse production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame

As a Notre-Dame de Paris/The Hunchback of Notre Dame superfan (there are dozens of us!), I was thrilled to finally get to see the updated Disney stage musical last week when it was put on by South Bay Musical Theatre. The community theater troupe pulled the show off with aplomb, mostly because of the cast's powerful voices - especially Jen Maggio as Esmeralda and Jay Steele as Frollo (Steele also had multiple roles behind the scenes, including graphic design and assistant master carpenter). The audience I sat in was dazzled, and shows sold out. Full disclosure: Christine Ormseth, who is a member of my childhood church, did the hair and makeup design and was in the ensemble. 

If you're not right on the pulse of the musical and/or Victor Hugo fan communities, you might ask what the updated Disney stage musical is. Remember the 1996 Disney movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which had almost nothing to do with Hugo's novel? If you don't, it had Frollo as a judge (instead of a priest, to pacify the Catholic church) who ended up taking in baby Quasimodo after he straight-up murdered Quasimodo's mother (rather than adopting Quasimodo to save him from Parisians who wanted to burn the ugly child to death); talking gargoyles (including one with saggy boobs); and most shocking of all, a happy ending.

No.

If you do remember it, it's probably due to two tour de force Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz songs: "God Help the Outcasts" (sung by Heidi Mollenhauer) and incel classic "Hellfire" (sung by Tony Jay). Indeed, these songs belted out by Maggio and Steele were highlights of the South Bay Musical Theatre production. 

Disney first did a stage play of Hunchback in 1999 - in Berlin, in German. This version was similar to the movie, but had Esmeralda die. Then in 2014, a new version with a book by Peter Parnell premiered that was even closer to the novel. That doesn't mean, however, that there weren't some big changes...one of which was completely whackadoo. 

The production I saw 

When I opened my program, I was shocked (and delighted!) to see Jehan's name in the first song. Jehan Frollo, Claude Frollo's rebellious teen brother, probably gets chopped from adaptations more than Fleur-de-Lys (Phoebus's fiancee - more on that later), and at least she gets a starring role in the French Notre-Dame de Paris musical (more on that later as well). Jehan gets nothing! 

I always think this is a shame, because I kind of love Jehan. Yes, he's an asshole that I'd hate in real life, and at sixteen he's already a drunk mooch who has instigated his fellow students to carry out raids on wine shops, but he's also sassy, charismatic, and a good source of comic relief in a dark book. He's the first character we meet by name, and we meet him when he's hanging out on a column and heckling people during the interminable wait for a play to begin. 

There's our boy!

I gathered from the fact that he was only in one song in the program that he was possibly going to be killed off before his time, but I never would have predicted that The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical would make him...Quasimodo's father!

This is surprising and hilarious for two reasons:

• Jehan hates Quasimodo
• Jehan is about three-four years younger than Quasimodo

I'm guessing most people watching the musical didn't care that they made a character they had never heard of Quasimodo's dad, but I care. However, I don't disapprove. Mostly because it's hilarious for the above reasons (Jehan would be so mad and then make a great joke about it), but also because I get what they were going for by having Jehan and a Gypsy be Quasimodo's parents: correcting the way-off-base explanation for Frollo adopting Quasimodo, linking Quasimodo and Jehan in Frollo's mind (in the novel, Frollo decides to raise Quasimodo in honor of fellow orphan Jehan), keeping the movie's conceit that Frollo wants Quasimodo hidden, and explaining Frollo's bigotry towards Gypsies.

Frollo: anti-baby-burning killjoy

The Jehan inclusion highlights how much stuff is in Hugo's novel, and how adaptations have to pick and choose what to keep or cut. Do you try to work in how Frollo's madness is linked to alchemy and the dark arts? What about the whole part with Esmeralda's mother, a prostitute who is erroneously told that Gypsies ate her baby? There's a plethora of characters, subplots, and themes to choose from, so not surprisingly, another musical based on the same source is much different from this one.

Notre-Dame de Paris is a 1998 French musical (available on DVD!) by composer Riccardo Cocciante and lyricist Luc Plamondon and is basically the Gallic Phantom of the Opera. Despite not bothering with Jehan, the show is hugely popular in French-speaking countries, and its original cast will never be fully freed from the expectation of reunion concerts. 

Hope you all get along, original Hamilton cast!

As an excuse for me rambling some more, here are some other big differences between the two musicals. From here on out, the Disney/Menken musical The Hunchback of Notre Dame will be abbreviated as HoND, and the French musical Notre-Dame de Paris will be NDdP. 

Garou as Quasimodo in NDdP

Quasimodo's Freedom

Something HoND carries over from the Disney movie is having Frollo keep Quasimodo hidden from public view and forbidding him to leave the cathedral. For the musical, this is a major plot point, encapsulated in the sweeping Out There. Will Quasimodo disobey Frollo and go out to the city on his own? How will he fare in the alien world outside the walls of Notre-Dame?

In the novel, this imprisonment simply isn't a thing. For one, novel Frollo lacks the social awareness to care what people think about him and his charge, and he actually has Quasimodo in the public eye way more than the public would like (when Frollo and Quasimodo go out on walks everyone talks behind their backs like they're Belle in Beauty and the Beast, except the Parisians think they're literally demonic instead of just weird).

Although disobeying an increasingly evil Frollo is still a major personal struggle for Quasimodo, he's otherwise no shrinking violet in the book; if someone makes fun of him, he picks them up and throws them. Problem solved! We don't get to see Quasimodo throw anyone in NDdP, but neither is he locked up like Rapunzel.

Point: NDdP

EJ Cardona and Josh Castille in the 5th Avenue production

Quasimodo's Deafness

The fact that Quasimodo is mostly deaf due to his lifelong love of giant bells has sometimes been left out of adaptations, but this is starting to be rectified. Not only does HoND acknowledge this by making him hard of hearing, but a current production at 5th Avenue Theatre in Seattle has cast Deaf actor Joshua Castille as Quasimodo. Castille uses American Sign Language in the play, which makes sense - in the novel, Quasimodo and Frollo converse with their own sign language. For Quasimodo's songs in the musical, one of his imaginary/statue friends (played by EJ Cardona) acts as his singing voice. (Update 6/16: here's a clip of Castille and Cardona at work.)

Point: HoND

Helene Segara as Esmeralda and Patrick Fiori as Phoebus in NDdP

Phoebus

The biggest change Disney made in their movie was having Esmeralda live and have a happy ending with good guy Phoebus. In HoND, even though Esmeralda dies, Phoebus still gets a hero role. He's a soldier with PTSD who learns to buck the system to stand up for what's right. This is in stark contrast to the novel, where he is a total fuckboy.

Novel Phoebus is engaged to aristocratic Fleur-de-Lys, but he screws around and parties a lot. (Jehan is one of his drinking buddies!) He has zero interest in anything more than sex with Esmeralda. When he gets stabbed by Frollo while trying to have that sex, he decides the affair isn't worth it and bails.

Although NDdP humanizes him a bit, it still keeps him deep in fuckboy territory and even gives him a fuckboy anthem, in which he explains at length to his fiancee why it is totally not his fault that he ended up in a hotel room with a different woman, who is now condemned to death.

Point: NDdP

Jeremy Stolle as aged-up Jehan in HoND for Paper Mill Playhouse,
Julie Zenatti as aged-down Fleur-de-Lys in NDdP

Often-Cut Characters

The only characters you really need for a Notre-Dame de Paris adaptation are Quasimodo, Esmeralda, and Frollo. An adaptation with only those three main characters would be quite minimalist, while using all of Hugo's characters would be difficult to juggle: there's a goat, there's Esmeralda's mom who lives in a hole, there's a whole subplot with Louis XI, there's a very funny Flemish hose-maker, etc. Neither HoND or NDdP risk putting a live goat onstage, but they do both use other supporting characters who don't always make the cut.

While I have to give HoND credit for the sheer ballsiness of their Jehan stunt from which I have still not recovered, and they include a quick Louis XI appearance, NDdP takes the gateau here. First of all, they put historical writer cameo Pierre Gringoire to work by having him narrate (they also make him way cooler than novel Gringoire, who is a hapless dork).

More importantly, the NdDP writers give voice to Fleur-de-Lys. Instead of giving Phoebus's fiancee the "bitch" treatment, they let her be human. The NDdP Fleur-de-Lys is giddy with love for Phoebus, but she's also very young and nervous about sex. Even in what could be seen as a villain moment - her song demanding Esmeralda be hanged - what really comes through in Julie Zenatti's masterful performance is her character's anguish and immaturity.

Point: NDdP

Nothing binds men together like singing "Belle" for the 1000th time.
Garou (Quasimodo), Daniel Lavoie (Frollo), and Patrick Fiori (Phoebus)

Music

Here's the big one! And...I'm not picking sides. Sort of. This one truly is a matter of taste. For HoND, you've got Menken's score made even more haunting and grand with a choir, repeatedly calling the epic cathedral itself to mind. Then you have the aforementioned "God Help the Outcasts" and "Hellfire," both unusually mature and complex for Disney songs. There are a slew of covers of these, including this badass metal Hellfire.

And in its corner, NDdP has "Belle," in which Quasimodo, Frollo, and Phoebus talk about how much they want to bone Esmeralda. It's hard to overstate this song's popularity in the francophone world. It came on the radio when my sister and I were in a restaurant in Bruges a year ago, which was awesome. It is to Garou, Daniel Lavoie, and Patrick Fiori what "Let it Go" is to Idina Menzel or "On My Own" is to Lea Salonga. There are endless videos of them singing it in concerts and fundraisers, but this one is typical: the audience loses its shit every time one of the guys come on, and the guys gaze adoringly/awkwardly at each other.

This isn't to say "Belle" is NDdP's only great song. The whole soundtrack is worthwhile, and I will say that its song about the place of ill repute Phoebus and Esmeralda plan to hook up in is way better than HoND's version. (Probably goes without saying, but unlike the French musical, the Disney staging does not include simulated sex.)

Point: whichever you prefer! 

The original NDdP cast in what appears to be a 90s sitcom

Anyway, to sum up: I am a crazy person and please watch a musical based on Victor Hugo's 1831 novel.

By the way, now might be an exciting time to join the Hunchback fandom. Idris Elba is producing, directing, and starring as Quasimodo (???) in a modern-day Netflix version, which is possibly also a musical? But Elba's not alone. Josh Brolin also wants to play Quasimodo, as does Tom Hollander. Is Quasimodo the new "it" role, like Hamlet or the Joker? Will any of these productions include Jehan? If so, The Hunchblog will probably have the news first.

In the meantime, here is a bonus character guide:

1) Quasimodo, 2) Jehan Frollo!, 3) Phoebus, 4) Fleur-de-Lys, 5) Chantefleurie/Sister Gudule (Esmeralda's mother), 6) Esmeralda, 7) Djali, 8) Pierre Gringoire, 9) Claude Frollo. (The man in the hat above him is possibly Clopin?)


Image info:

Jehan etching: Gustave Brion
Frollo with baby Quasimodo: Luc-Olivier Merson
The guys kissing: The Hunchblog of Notre Dame
Character guide: Aime de Lemud 

Les Miz Movie Rambling

I'm fine; the bullet bounced off my corset.

So the Les Miserables movie musical finally came out, and to deservedly mixed reviews. The songs were pretty chopped up (most noticeable and damaging in "Confrontation," "Master of the House," "Look Down," "Plumet Attack," and "One Day More," in my opinion), but the sets looked great. Honestly, there was never any way crowds weren't going to come out en masse for this, and it was perfect for a Christmas pastime. Was it an instant classic? No. Did I cry? Yes. Multiple times? Yes.

Should have gotten Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel to coach this scene.

To get this out of the way: yes, Anne Hathaway was good. I wasn't in the "Anne Hathaway = best Catwoman ever!" camp, but man, did she give a great performance here. While I agree with a lot of Mick LaSalle's criticism regarding what happens when they make the showstopping songs intimate and whispered, I disagree with what he says about Hathaway's "I Dreamed a Dream." When she got to "but there are dreams that cannot be,/ and there are storms we cannot weather," you could hear the entire theater scrounging around for their Kleenex.

I thought Samantha Barks's "On My Own" was near perfect: belted, passionate...and still on a scale that worked for the film. But then, girl knows what she's doing. (I think the grit that Lea Salonga brings to Eponine still makes hers my favorite, though.) BTW, love this quotation from Barks from this interview: "I can't believe I actually spat in Ali G's face!"

When Eponine says "don't rob the house," don't rob the fucking house.

I love ethereal siren/angel/ghost-creature Amanda Seyfried, but there's not much to do with the role of Cosette. Ditto for ultimate trustafarian Marius. I told my mom immediately after the movie ended that I thought Eddie Redmayne sounded like Kermit, and she thought I was crazy. All the reviews seemed to love him, and I thought maybe I was just biased, but then...validation!

Congrats to Mrs. Lovett for finding a husband who's far more cheery than Sweeney Todd yet has the exact same morals and fashion sense. Seriously, never eat anything Helena Bonham Carter has cooked.

One day Tim Burton is going to wake and find that Helena Bonham Carter, Sacha Baron Cohen, Alan Rickman, and Johnny Depp have all left him for Tom Hooper.

When Javert started throwing punches at the ABC guys, all I could think was, "fightin' 'round the world!"

Sure, Tugger could have saved him from the Seine, but we
know how Tugger feels about Russell Crowe's singing.

Javert putting the medal on Gavroche's corpse was sort of maudlin and didn't really feel true to where his character was at the point (still cried, though). It also annoyed me a little bit since Eponine's corpse was right there, and in the novel she's the dead person he recognizes in a quick flash of humanity, and hey, if you're going to go back to the book and have Fantine's teeth ripped out... But I guess in the context of the musical/movie Javert and Eponine haven't really had any interaction, while Javert and Gavroche have.

Even with Hugo's lengthy history of the Parisian sewers and ruminations on how much it blows to drown in poop, I was somehow not prepared for the OH MY GOD THEY'RE IN POOP scene where Valjean rescues Marius. Valjean needs a "world's best dad" mug, 'cause carrying your daughter's boyfriend through rivers of poop to get him to safety is really above and beyond.

As annoying as I find the Marius/Cosette nuptials, I loved in the novel how Marius's grandpa and Valjean get so, so, so into wedding planning. If Marius's grandpa had grabbed Cosette's hands and squealed, "DRESS SHOPPING!!!" it would have taken the movie into Mamma Mia! territory, but it also would have been pretty true to the book.

Joker and Harley Quinn's biggest rivals at Villain Prom.

Yeah, they're terrible people, but when Thenardier led his wife away by the hand after they were kicked out of the rich kids wedding, it made me sad to think that in the novel, Madame Thenardier has died in prison by that scene.

Eponine's part in the "Come to Me" reprise was axed. What gives? I mean, yeah, it's kind of weird for a dying man to be visited by the spirit of the girl who had a crush on his son-in-law, but still.

Heaven = being in an Occupy Paris camp? Forever? I hope they get to stroll around the Luxembourg and have some pain au chocolat at some point.

Notre-Dame de Paris Pity Party

A movie musical? Oh, like Mamma Mia? That's cute, I guess.

Everyone* is super psyched about the movie adaptation of the Les Miserables stage musical that's coming out on Christmas. I'm psyched. I've been psyched for a while. I am crying right now because I am not currently watching Sasha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter perform "Master of the House." There is even an advent calendar!

*Correction: Grumpy Cat is not psyched about Les Miserables.

But as excited as I am, I can't help feeling a little sad for other Victor Hugo novel, Notre-Dame de Paris, aka The Hunchback of Notre Dame, of which I am also a huge fan. Everyone's freaking out over Les Miz, and there's Notre-Dame just sitting there abandoned like Quasimodo in the church's free baby bin while no one makes advent calendars for it.

Les Miz is close to my heart, and for me conjures memories of escaping by reading in gardens and cafes during a difficult time. I saw the musical afterwards and have the soundtrack on my iPod. Notre-Dame is a far more recent read for me, and I was surprised by how much it grabbed me. I love them both. However, as much as I love Les Miz, it can kinda be subtitled "How many people have to die so Cosette and Marius can have their boring, bougie wedding?" Spoiler alert: a lot.

I was trying to take a thoughtful picture but it turned out like porn.

Audiences generally want some sort of happy ending, preferably romance-related. Even though almost all of everybody's favorites get killed before the end of Les Miz, Cosette and Marius survive to register at Williams & Sonoma which makes Valjean happy, so...mission accomplished? Meanwhile, Notre-Dame's just like, "yeah, everyone died..." The last few chapters are like Disneyland's Small World ride, except instead of passing by different idyllic but stereotypical scenes of kids holding hands, you pass by scenes of people getting their brains knocked out, dying from shock, being hanged, getting tossed off cathedrals, starving to death in a pile of corpses, etc. It is basically Joss Whedon's fondest dream.

So Les Miz has a supposedly happy ending and advent calendars and Grumpy Cat memes and Anne Hathaway method acting by dying of TB, but does it have a scene where a guy and a girl are having a sex in a hotel room and the girl's pet goat is also in the hotel room and then a second guy whom the first guy allowed to watch the sex stabs the first guy during the sex? Spoiler alert: it does not.

Obviously the choice centerpiece scene for Auguste Couder's 1833
Scenes tirees de Notre-Dame de Paris.

Notre-Dame also has the most beautiful man/goat relationship ever written (same goat as above). While struggling writer Pierre Gringoire's fake marriage to Esmeralda doesn't net him any sex, it does gain him custody of the little white trick-performing goat, Djali. The goat becomes Gringoire's dearest friend (not that high a bar - Frollo was his only friend previously) and he is certain she shares his feelings. Like Esmeralda, Quasimodo, and Frollo, Djali too is accused of being the devil (man, the 1400s were rough), but survives and gets the story's sole happy ending: a daring escape and new life with Gringoire.

Yeah, Phoebus and Fleur-de-Lys get married, but that happens off-scene and everyone knows he's going to cheat on her anyways (he was the stabee in the hotel sex scene).

FYI, Esmeralda is not generally topless.
Also her necklace is supposed to have a shoe on it.

Notre-Dame also has Jehan Frollo du Moulin in its corner. Jehan is Frollo's spoiled little brother/"other" kid, who always gets cut out of adaptations, which is too bad, because he is hilarious. Jehan is nothing like the rest of his family. While Frollo and Quasimodo are content to stay inside the cathedral to do their alchemy/bell-ringing, Jehan is a loud, obnoxious extrovert. His main activities are drinking, bullying, and hitting up a frustrated but enabling Frollo for money. When the gypsies rise up to take Esmeralda from Notre-Dame, he joins the fight on a whim and is promptly killed by his adopted brother Quasimodo. But hey, at least unlike Les Miz's Grantaire, he manages to not be passed out drunk through his book's central uprising. This is actually a pretty huge accomplishment for Jehan.

Jehan just being Jehan.

See? Notre-Dame de Paris has lots of cool stuff, Les Miserables. It doesn't need your star-studded premieres or forthcoming Oscar statuettes. In fact, once Frollo cracks the riddle of alchemy, they can have all the solid gold Oscar statuettes they want!

And to be honest, Notre-Dame being the forgotten sibling to Les Miz seems to be an American/British (or just English-speaking?) issue. Notre-Dame, from what I could see during my trips to France, is a bigger BFD in France. The Maison de Victor Hugo is scant on Les Miz artifacts, but full of awesome Notre-Dame stuff like the above Couder panel, early editions, and this poster:

It was in a stairwell and also I am a terrible photographer, ok?
Quasi's at the top, then we've got Frollo, Djali, Esmeralda, Phoebus,
and Jehan being drunk in the background.

The big reason Les Miz is so popular in America is definitely the musical (you think all the people psyched for Les Miz have slogged through Hugo's Waterloo and sewer lectures?). It's a great musical. And it's in English. Notre-Dame became a record-breaking, wildly popular (and more modern) musical in 1998, but it's in French, so we don't get much of it here. Maybe if a subtitled movie musical is made of that musical, we can get some Notre-Dame fever stateside. There is a subtitled DVD (je ne comprends pas bien francais?) I'm trying to track down, but fortunately some of it, like any recorded thing, is on Youtube. Here is the signature song, "Belle," in which Quasimodo, Frollo, and Phoebus creep on Esmeralda while sounding amazing:




So obviously Notre-Dame is doing just fine in its home country. And hey, Notre-Dame de Paris is the novel of outcasts! While Fantine is raiding Lady Gaga's prop room for premiere press is the perfect time for Notre-Dame to be tragically relegated in the secure yet cold embrace of the cathedral's walls.


Images:
Etchings: various public domain, both accredited to Gustave Brion thought not sure about the first
Grumpy Cat: all the majesty of the universe and the internets
Statue: Esmeralda and Her Goat by Antonio Rossetti
Painting & poster: my own terrible photos from the Maison de Victor Hugo in Paris

9 Months More!

Best Week Ever blogger/Les Miz superfan Michelle Collins made a few critical notes on Hugh Jackman's Jean Valjean get-up, but she missed one important detail.

That isn't facial hair on that beard.

But questionable beard aside, how exciting to have a photo at last, tweeted by Hugh Jackman himself! The movie's coming out December of this year, which seemed much closer until I counted it out on my fingers. At least we're almost down to only eight months. I hope we get more photos soon, especially of the particularly attractive, scene-stealing, and British Thenardier clan they've assembled.

Like the Sopranos, but with petty crime and more singing.

Minus poor Gavroche, who gets the Thenardier name rescinded in the musical (to be fair, he had already moved out at, like, age eight). And minus the younger Thenardier daughter, Azelma, who doesn't make the musical. And then the two youngest kids who don't even get names in the book let alone a musical appearance, whom the Thenardiers sell to a woman for her inheritance scam but then the woman gets arrested and the kids are left homeless. It's a happy family.

Fun fact/spoiler: in the novel, Madame Thenardier also dies, and Thenardier finally ends up taking his one known surviving family member, Azelma, with him to New York, where he invests in the slave trade.

If I wanted to hop on the novel-sized cutesy fanfiction of classic novels bandwagon, I would totally write about Azelma's new life in New York City as the wealthy daughter of a blood-monied tycoon. Obviously she would wear fancy dresses, worry about her family's dark past being discovered, and have to decide between an old-money New Yorker douche and a penniless but passionate abolitionist. Actually, that sounds like $$$. Don't steal Hugo's my idea, Darcy-does-such-and-such people. I'll get to that right after I finish the pilot for my Vautrin and Javert buddy cop series.

Four Adaptations I'd Like to See (If Done Right)

Still in mourning over the demise of my romcom-ready love-hate relationship with the Bradley Cooper Paradise Lost movie, I at least have Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby to look forward to. Sure, there are some concerns (Why is Daisy so much younger than Gatsby? Will the 3D be used to make Myrtle's mangled body come flying right toward us?), but sometimes the projects you have concerns about turn out the best, like how everyone was raising eyebrows over Christopher Nolan casting pretty boy Heath Ledger as the Joker and then Ledger was iconic. And you know Luhrmann can nail the decadent party scenes.

Literary adaptations are a tricky thing. If it's a novel and not a short story that's being adapted, some aspects will have to be whittled down or cut. And if it's a beloved novel, there will be asshole fans like me who will probably only be satisfied if the movie turns out exactly as we had pictured in our head.

Anyway, here are four movies I would totally produce/bankroll if I won a reasonably large lottery. Hopefully they'd avoid becoming an entry in a sequel to Nathan Rabin's My Year of Flops (or at least make the "secret success" or balls-out "fiasco" categories).

Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood

Margaret Atwood has quite the oeuvre to choose from, but I think 2003's Oryx and Crake would translate best to the big screen. This is the post-apocalyptic story of Snowman aka Jimmy, whose best friend Crake and their lover Oryx have created a brave new world and left him alone with it. Through flashbacks, we learn how the desolate Earth reached this point. Atwood's alternative near-future of corporation-run cities and execution-themed reality TV shows feels eerily real and, along with the other timeline's wreckage-scattered silent beaches, would make for a compelling movie setting. My biggest concern here would be the handling of Oryx's character. There's how Jimmy sees her, but there's also the between-the-lines Oryx, the survivor of childhood exploitation with her defiant stare. This project would need a director and actress who can see Oryx as more than just "tragic love interest."

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle or Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, Haruki Murakami

My dream is for David Lynch to take one of these novels on. This is probably the most unlikely to happen of all my dream projects, but hear me out. Yes, Murakami novels tend towards the unwieldy, Lynchs' fanbase is smaller than studios would like, and both artists have their own very strong motifs and points of view, but I think there could be magic here. They both tend towards magical realism, borrow from genre, utilize music, are masters of atmosphere, and deftly juggle multiple planes of reality in a single work. Stylish, controlled scenes like the infamous Winkie's nightmare in Mulholland Dr. remind me of Murakami's ability to present bizarre situations in a matter-of-fact way. And they both have a thing for mysterious nightclubs. With their noirish mystery and range of visuals, I think The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle or Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World are best suited to film - and to Lynch in particular.

Notre-Dame de Paris/The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo

I've written about my favorite novel that is so not an appropriate source for a Disney movie before. But even non-Disney attempts at filming this novel have stumbled, generally getting caught up in the costumes and melodrama (the lucky French have a record-breaking RENTish stage musical of it, however). Notre-Dame de Paris needs a filmmaker who understands the characters, their inter-connectivity, and their society. 1400s Paris is depicted by Hugo as a dirty, dog-eat-dog world - it's a tense, dangerous time for anyone who stands out. Frollo, Quasimodo, and Esmeralda are all suspected of being the devil at some point by a paranoid, lynch-happy populace, and they all experience the grand Notre-Dame cathedral as both safe fortress and isolating prison. It's a large story of humanity and a society in transition, and also a small story of makeshift families that almost make it, but ultimately fall apart. BTW, Phoebus and Fleur-de-Lys would be perfect dinner party friends for Tom and Daisy.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

I think the biggest roadblock with adapting this novel, even moreso than concerns about race, is that it gets weird. Really weird. We all know about the raft and slavery thing, but remember the whole part with the King and the Duke? Seriously, that goes on forever. And then once Huck finds Jim, Tom shows up, and Tom's antics bring the process of freeing Jim to a dehumanizing crawl. I think these issues can only really be tackled by a screenwriter and director who get the tone of the piece and are able to be true to that without making a ten-hour long movie. Huckleberry Finn is a satire, but also very, very dark. Most adaptations try to gloss over the serious child abuse in the beginning and play the story up as a feel-good old-timey adventure, which works okayish until you get to con men putting on bizarre nudie shows. These traveling scoundrels were kind of the ShamWow guys of their time, and some of the then-topical humor just doesn't translate to contemporary audiences. All is not lost, we just need someone who can contextualize Twain's tour of the South appropriately and present with their own vision what Twain was trying to say - something beyond "omg white boy has adventure!!!"

Javert & Vautrin: Best Buddy Cop Series Ever

They already have matching hats!
Javert (L, by Gustave Brion) & Vautrin (R, by Honore Daumier)

Sometimes you get an idea that's just genius, you know? Well, it recently hit me: Victor Hugo's Javert from Les Miserables and Honore de Balzac's Vautrin from his Human Comedy series need to be in a buddy cop TV show. They're both policemen, their time periods overlap, and despite both being inspired by real-life criminal-turned-officer Eugene Francois Vidocq, they're perfect foils who would have hilarious (if cliched) buddy cop adventures.

Javert: the no-nonsense, humorless straight-arrow. Dour, but devoted to his work. He cares about justice, dammit. The Starsky. The Special Agent Albert Rosenfield. Definitely playing the Bad Cop in the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine.

Vautrin: the cool badass who's also the comic relief. A master criminal who is now a corrupt officer. The honey badger personified. Gregarious, manly, livin' large, with a weakness for hot guys that's always landing him in hot water. Yes, he's gay. Man, there hasn't been a macho, kick-ass, openly gay main character in a major work of mainstream entertainment since...uh...1835? When Vautrin debuted?

Yet Dumbledore, in the 21st Century, had to be an after-the-fact secret.

How it would pan out: Javert's spotless record is tarnished when he finally gets in trouble with the force (probably for being way too obsessed with something trivial, like a freakin' bread thief). To "rein him in," the boss pairs him up with always-in-trouble-and-doesn't-give-a-shit Vautrin, who is on his last chance. At first they fight all the time! Javert thinks Vautrin is a untrustworthy dunce! Vautrin thinks Javert is an uptight killjoy! But then during a major crime (perhaps a small child is in peril?) they have to work together and end up with grudging admiration for the other's strengths. Pretty much every episode repeats this very important lesson.

And of course there would be guest cameos by other literary characters. Imagine them crossing paths with Notre-Dame de Paris's Clopin! Obviously Javert would be completely appalled by him, while Vautrin would think he's the most awesome ever. Maybe after Clopin saves the day, Javert learns an important lesson about judging people. Or maybe after Vautrin starts neglecting his partnership with Javert for fun illegal times with Clopin, he is betrayed by his new pal, and learns an important lesson about true friendship. So many possibilities!

Okay, so actually it would just be every buddy cop series ever...except French! And with a cast of characters that partially reflects sexual diversity among humans! And with snuff and courtesans!

Does Eponine Have to Cut Someone?

 Gustave Brion's depiction of Eponine

Les Miz fans are probably well aware of the Tom Hooper (The King's Speech) movie musical that's happening. The cast still isn't completely finalized, so rumors abound. However, it's looking pretty final that Taylor Swift will be Eponine. I am not the only one annoyed by this by a long shot (I like Best Week Ever's Michelle Collins's take-down here).

Generally, Taylor Swift doesn't bother me much. I find the "I hate Taylor Swift because she is the virgin in the virgin/whore dichotomy and I think women classified as whores are way superior because I have completely missed the divide-and-conquer tactics of the patriarchy" people more irritating. She just feels so, so, so wrong for the role. She's squeaky clean with little-to-no acting background. Eponine, even in her more romanticized Broadway form, is still ragged and streetwise. Look, she's a career criminal who is going to dress up like a dude and run through a damn battle zone for the guy she loves, not write her fifteenth song about how he's dating someone who's not her as a single tear runs down her bisque porcelain cheek. Actually, Swift would be perfect for pretty and not-quite-bursting-with-personality Cosette, who will most likely be played by Amanda Seyfried. And here's the thing: I'd be really excited if Amanda Seyfried were Eponine! Seyfried we know can act, and has a good range at that. It seems so obvious just to switch these two actresses.

I'd love an Eponine that gets back to the non-fluffy roots. She's one of my favorite Victor Hugo characters. When my mom took me to the musical after I finished Les Miserables, I worried she would be cut completely (if you've read the gargantuan novel, you know why this might be a concern), and was thrilled when she was a major part. She's an interesting character, especially in the book. Wry, clever, a little crazy, very tough. After being presented as spoiled and domineering as a young child earlier in the novel, she adapts when her family's fortunes turn. A valuable member of her father's criminal gang, and assumed to be headed for common-law marriage with fashionable criminal Montparnasse, Eponine still hopes for something more with Marius, even though she's starkly realist. Her speech to Marius on which "On My Own" is based is disturbing and touching, revealing an intelligent if damaged girl who has soldiered on.

At least they didn't cast Nick Jonas as Marius. Yes, Nick Jonas has played Marius on stage. He actually kinda works for book-Marius, because book-Marius is a young douche. But you gotta love this awkward version of "A Little Fall of Rain," where he can barely bring himself to touch talented Samantha Barks's Eponine. Kyle did it better with the Mole in South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut. I know it's a concert version, but come on, Michael Ball and Lea Solonga had great chemistry (and shared a mic) in their 10th Anniversary concert. 






That's how you do it.
As for the rest of the cast, the only disappointment I have is that the original rumor was that Geoffrey Rush would be Thenardier, and I would have loved to see him take this role opposite Helena Bonham Carter's Madame Thenardier. However, it looks like the role has gone to Sasha Baron Cohen, whose ability to do over-the-top buffoonery with a hint of malice makes him a good choice as well. Honestly, I can't wait for Bellatrix and Borat to steal the show as Paris's worst parents (not mentioned in the musical, but Gavroche is just one of their several kids they decided they couldn't afford).

Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe having a manly man-off as Valjean and Javert should be fun, although the racially ambiguous Javert could have lent some diversity to the production. Anne Hathaway as Fantine is fine. At least she probably won't sing "he thlept a thummer by my thide," like the otherwise great Daphne Rubin-Vega. Regardless, I know I, and tons of other fans, will definitely see this. And who knows? Maybe Swift will surprise.